Starting out we are a clean slate there are no marks are scratches on our soul. As we grow we begin to experience things that shape our thoughts creating personal beliefs. Those beliefs could belong to someone else and if we are not careful eventually another persons belief system has taken over our way of life. So, it’s important to identify things that strike us as good and bad by how things that happen to us and around us make us feel. These feelings, if identified and dealt with right away will guide us later in life.
Many times the older kids and the adults around us can and will influence us.
Going from that, I can say that as I grew from a child into a teenager it didn’t take me long to figure out that I had my imidiate family which included my special needs mother and brother, myself and then my younger sister who was the baby, and, then, my father who was in and out but mostly absent. My little group lived with my mothers mother and was surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins. There was also an occasional distant friend or relative that came along for a short stay. Through those times my family unit was constantly surround by cunts. There was so much dysfunction and the people where extremely toxic.
I noticed very early into my life that the life I was in and the people I was surrounded by was one of the biggest lessons of my entire life. And it became a sounding alarm daily living surrounded by them watching the transgressions as they demanded sympathy and forgiveness, and, as they demanded loyalty and love.
All of that shapped my view and hightened my senses making me unusually aware of people’s ententions. I realized that the majority of people treat an entention like a secret. Which is not good, it’s very toxic because an intention is the motivation that drives us to do things. And having a mother and little brother with learning delays made me more cautious because vultures swarm and attack when they see vulnerable people.
I’m so grateful to say that those moments which stretched a long part of my life didn’t break me down and make me into one of the many monsters around me. It made me see things so clearly that it was not possible at all for me to agree with that lifestyle. I had a strong grasp of what was wrong or right. And with that I became a rigid protector with a heart that bends to the desires of those with special needs.
I saw that my mother loved her family unapologetically. Unconditionally.
And they used the fuck out of her. I reported the transgression many times as a teen. And again as an adult. Nothing was done because she refused to go against them. So I realized I had to leave. I knew I couldn’t force what I believed on my own mother even if she was special needs. She still had feee will. And that’s the life she chose, knowingly or not.
And because I would not conform to that way of life I became unwanted which was very difficult. But the feeling was mutual so I was able to deal with it.
Living like this really helped me become a better person all the time. I am always improving even now. When ever I encounter a stressful situation that may be familiar from my past I just bring all my energy in and take a knee. I sort it out and re assign where my energy goes, and then I send it out. And stand back up ready for a new day.
This is a reminder to use the energy around us whether it’s toxic or not. We can redirect that energy and reassign it, giving it new meaning. And most important we can cut it out of our lives.
Be thankful for the bad times, the really realky bad times they are fitness for the mind and soul. .
Dont conform to to a life you don’t believe in. If it cuts you deep then let it go. Times can be confusing when dealing with family, that’s ok. Take as long as you need to. And if you see that the people you leave behind need to be cut off gently do that. If they need a hard cut line then do that too.
Toxic people will cling to you in a tricky way. They make you feel like you’re never good enough or that something is wrong with you so that you will stay and conform to their life. If it don’t agree with you don’t do it and don’t ever feel bad about it. Just walk.
that's very important. Don’t feel guilty about living your life without toxic people. Constantly remind yourself that you are not being negative by cutting toxic people out and moving on in life.
Bless you. I hope this year is the year for you🌸