Some wonder what exactly is going through the minds of the parent(s) when putting a child up for adoption. More often than not it's the thought of giving their child a better shot at life. Perhaps, life was tough for the mother or father so they sought outside placement for their beloved child. And sometimes they have no choice.
No matter the reason no one should judge the situation with cruelty. It's not a requirement to understand the reasoning either. Just know that this happens. Now when faced with the ideas or options of reconnecting with a child or parent it's crucial to realize and respect the boundaries of each person involved. Since not only is the child effected by this so is the birth parents along with any adopting parents and extended family.
Every one in the circle is emotionally effected. And thoughts about not relating to each other could cause pause in the next step of reconnecting. Feelings of confusion and self doubt is usually also present. This is normal.
For a birth mother considering a re-connection with her child. There are many thoughts and emotions coming into play. Fears about the child hating her or rejecting her will usually be present. And hesitation will soon follow in fear she will cause emotional pain by identifying herself to a child. In most cases the child has an adopted mother and so the thoughts deepen into knowing whether or not the child knows they had been adopted. Or do they know the reason for it.
It's amazing I could write for hours on the thoughts of a birth parent trying to reconnect. But I feel you get my point.
So when having these feelings and thoughts remember this is normal. And take each day as a blessing. Make slow a steady progress while being gentle in your approach is advisable. Not many do well with a shock and awe approach although we love to watch that on T.V. it's very much different off screen.
remember there is probably an adopted mother who has dedicated her entire life to raising this child. So respect her. it's beneficial to all hearts involved when we take a step back and realize the situation for what it truly is. Try not to force yourself and your ideas onto a child once you do make that connection. Remember still things are brand new and hearts are sensitive. Be kind in your dealing and listen mostly. Make yourself open and approachable so the child feels at ease talking with you. More than likely they want to know you. they want to see if they look like you and act like you. maybe you have similar likes and dislikes.
As a child we will usually tend to take on the characteristics of those around us and the environment we live in. This has a lot to do with our emotional and metal development. So don't be discouraged if you and child do not seem likely to fit together. Remember you are sharing DNA with this person. and there will be similarities. So find the good in each other and work from there.
Never be sneaky and hide what you are sharing with each other. This is a tough one since some children when reaching there teen or mid teens feel they need an outside source to share their feelings with may want to hide there activities from the adopted parents this could cause problems later on in the development of this relationship.
As an adult don't allow your self to be manipulated by a child who wants to reconnect. Be kind and gentle but make it known that you will be respecting any one else involved. No matter how hurt you may be or wronged you may feel depending on your situation. Always remain calm about it and be dignified in your actions.
The child may have many questions about "why" you gave them up. Many times its to better the child's life but sometimes its for other reasons. If there are lies and manipulation are domestic abuse involved hold back trash talking the other birth parent or adopted parent(s). This will only cause more confusion.
Remember to save all your documents for later use. That way once the child has reached legal age and is of sound mind and mature emotions if they ask you could share those with them. To help them understand you more.
The idea here is not to force a re-connection and be sure to reject any urge to deface any other parent involved. Remember there are many hearts involved and your actions can cause more confusion and pain for every one involved including your self.
So take it nice and slow...
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